It’s been a year of death, and my time of birth is in the early days of the new year. I usually get two chances to set up new ‘resolutions’, but this year, I haven’t made any (yet). Maybe because the changes that were set in motion in 2016 are only about to get real: a life of independent writing and filmmaking, the fruition of an officiated love affair, and the handling of all the introspection that comes with such changes, in a constructive way.
I was in Toronto for the holidays and I spent much time responding to questions like: How is London, and Congrats and What Are You Working On, and maybe I shouldn’t take everything so literally, but I do, and I really thought about all these questions and I answered them truthfully even if the inquirer was just being polite.
How is London?
Five years into it, London is… home. It’s not good or bad, it’s where I live. It’s where I make plans and set up meetings and make love and make decisions about buying a small piece of art or putting out the rubbish on the correct day (see, I say rubbish now, not garbage). It’s where I go dancing and where I make new friends and renounce hazardous old acquaintances. It’s home, as much as I will ever have a home outside Tehran. It’s a home that I’ve chosen, whether it asked for me or not, and despite its madness I will love it. I walk on Upper Street on a Friday night holding hands with him after watching Arrival in our local cinema, underdressed for the weekend vibes but perfectly cozy and perfectly comfortable in knowing that I’m not wearing any mascara to wash off, just the lipstick although he’s already kissed most of it away. So, “London is great I guess,” I say.
Congrats!
Yes. I mean, what does that even mean? Congratulations because I fell in love, because yes, that deserves a celebration any day. That shit is special, and uncommon, so I suppose let’s toast to it. Or is it congratulations because I managed to subscribe to the institution of marriage in a timely manner? I couldn’t care less. I appreciate the ease in which both our families can now interact with us and each other knowing that we are ‘officially’ partners for life, and the same goes for the government in its recognition of our coupledom, and also take pleasure in calling him my husband sometimes just to hear the strange enunciation formulating in my mouth. But marriage is a lot of different things for a lot of people and the title alone invites a lot of assumptions that I’m not entirely sure of or comfortable with. I just like being with him and I don’t want it to end. The question of how we met and what happened is a long beautiful story I usually reserve for loved friends who love a long love story, or I’ll get around writing it, but as it stands now, yes, “I’m happy,” and I accept your congratulations.
What Are You Working On?
Working on my own stuff, which is to say, stories, films and documentaries that I think and feel I need and want to make and tell. There will be other smaller projects in the middle to keep my creativity afloat and provide some sort of a channel for its deluge of output because otherwise I will certainly go insane, but the dreams are bigger and harder to fulfil and will take longer to materialise and after months of practice, I’m learning to be at ease with the linger. There are more ideas in my head every day than I can utilise, and this is what happens when you step into the non-office side of things — the workday never starts nor ends and once you master its mysterious waves and tribulations, hopefully, something good will come out of it. So “I’m working on a few things,” I say. I’m working also on not explaining myself to everyone, and asking people for help when I need it, or to say that I am doing this no matter what anyone thinks and my rhetoric will not change according to what party or social media outlet or meeting I’m in. If I’m in the proverbial West for the freedom of expression and thought that I didn’t have in Iran, then I’m going to be dedicated to death to that freedom. And so, I will oh so radically not respond to messages I don’t find interesting, or send heart emojis to DM’s from strangers when I like what they say. I will caption my photos the way I want and I will choose my subjects because I find them interesting not because I think everyone else does. I did that, for a long time working in mainstream media, but I’m happy to carve a smaller space for myself in this moment, and to fill it with the things I deeply love. I’ll wait for everyone else to catch up, if I have to. And this may all change in a year but for now, let’s say 2017 is the year of pure expression.
I have a year left in my twenties. I have a lot to do. And I love you.
Birthday, 2017
xo
t.a